My friends, as I write this, my mind.... my mind is in at a state of shock. That's the best I can describe it at the current confused state of my mental faculty. I've been forced to re-evaluate the whole core of my beliefs and principles. The very foundation of my being, my character has been shaken beyond repair.
I'm in despair! For the first time in my life, I would readily admit that I am clueless, helpless as to how to drag myself out of this current cesspool that I found myself in. How would you feel if you found out that the model that you carved out your principles and beliefs with, has been a lie!!! My life basically had been just a big FAT LIE! Yes, DESPAIR! The blackest of night has come to visit me not on my own volition. At this late stage of my life, I don't think I have the will and energy to hop back on the proverbial saddle. I'm down for good. What will I say to my son? How do I explain it to him. His daddy is destroyed. All that his daddy has been imparting to him have been a BIG FAT LIE!
They say that ignorance is bliss and that curiosity killed the cat. Now I know how true those words are! But it's too late. How arrogant I was to believe in my own wisdom. "Been there, seen that, done that", I would think. Despite being just short of a few months to being in my big 40, I'm just as ignorant as I was when I was six when I think by imitating the movement of Ultraman's human alter ego, I could turn into Ultraman!
I wish I could turn back the clock, MY GOD Justin, you are bloody naive! No one can turn back the friggin clock! That's why you are in this current state, you are f*****g naive.
I might stop blogging from hereon. I don't think I have any right to put my thoughts out there. All I'd do is just poison the minds of my readers eventhough the number of my followers is nothing I can brag about. But I think you have the right to know what happened but first let me thank you for your patronage and kind words on my "work".
This afternoon, for no apparent reason, I decided to raid an old cabinet in our living room. All in the name of knowledge. I was looking for old books to read. As you all know, I'm very much into our local history. As I was combing through the books, most of them in sorry state, my eyes were attracted to a particular nondescript exercise book. It has a picture of a man on its cover and I saw my mother's name written on the cover. It was half hidden! Ok, if it was half hidden, obviously someone did not want it to be found but my curiosity got the best of me. By the way, my eye sight is very bad these days, so I could not tell who the man was in the picture at first.
I liberated the exercise book from its prison of other thicker books that sandwiched it, thus hiding it. I looked at the cover and that's when my whole world collapsed! It was a picture of a member of F4!!! You know that Taiwanese boy band that was the toast of the musical industry circa... geez I don't even remember because I hated them so much...
My mother who carried me for nine months! Who steadfastly remain a widow for more than three decades for the welfare of her children! Who is a tower of strength despite her soft demeanure is a fan of F4! That F4 that is the opposite of my macho ego! Blasphemous! Heaven! Why are you so cruel to a fatherless child!! Wahahaha Huhuhuhu...